“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
― Sharon Salzberg
*Insert my big smile and me shouting ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR'*
Coming into 2021, my major goal was(is) to learn to love myself recklessly, without restrictions and unconditionally.
When I'm on my bed, paralysed by anxiety, unable to do anything productive, unable to morph myself into that beautiful version that is so easy to love, I don't want to nurse hatred for my own guts in my heart.
I don't want to feel disgusted at my existence.
Repulsed at every heartbeat.
I want to love myself still.
I want to host a reservoir of the amount of empathy I would give myself if I lived outside this body.
I want to be able to still sing myself love songs.
Hold my own hands and tell myself to breath.
I still, at the shittiest moments of my life, want to love myself completely.
Not the kind of love that forgets to stay together, pieces of adulterated affection lying everywhere.
Not the kind that doesn't see the beauty my eyes still hold in these horrible moments.
But the kind that is whole, sincere and without restriction.
This is one superpower I want this year and I call it a superpower because it takes a lot of courage to look in the mirror, find a colourless-out-of-life-nothing-appealing version of yourself staring back at you and begin a self eulogy. It is really easy to love yourself when you are at your best but what happens during those periods when your hands fail to make the magic that makes you shine? Do you in these moments, love yourself still? Sincerely?
BACKSTORY
I had a kind of epiphany late last year
When people describe a perfect partner or friend, we hear things like-
’He loves me just the way I am’
‘She doesn’t need me to be someone else to love me’
‘Even in my worst, they were still there for me’
‘On my bad days, she stuck with me’
These and other statements that affirm the selflessness and wholeness that should characterise the love they deserve to receive. Not fake, half-hearted or shy in the face of displeasure and I kept asking if I give myself this kind of love.
If I have put up unsaid immunity for the love I offer myself from these standards. Just maybe I’m in a toxic relationship with myself (I mean, that is what I would say if I lived outside my body).
I mean, we have a long list of things that the love we receive in a relationship should have, why not hold the love you offer yourself with the same standards. Why give yourself less than you would receive from someone else? Why sell yourself short to yourself?
Hence, my new year mantra.
A ‘how it started how it is going’ situation
Online school started on the fourth day of the year and it took just a few days to crawl back to ‘beating myself up pro max’ bus stop for another ride.
To make matters worse, it actually felt like I deserved the beating. As I’ve been for most of the 20-days-old year, I picked up my journal to write all the insults from my head to paper and in the middle of that, I remembered my promise to myself.
Remembering it didn’t take away the desire to punish myself for not completing my study goal for the day but it just reminded me of the commitment to loving myself differently this year.
With this newfound empathy, I could think more clearly. I could see how logical this difficulty to adjust quickly is and how unhelpful this habit is and has always been. How I need to give myself time. I acknowledged the effort I was already putting in.
Self love no be for mouth
I don’t know how long this reminder will hold enough power to snatch me out of this illusion but I like how it feels now. Having the option of being sincerely kind to myself is liberating. Watching how much more productivity that churns out is still one of my wildest discoveries.
Honestly, I want this love to grow into one that fills every corner of my heart. One I can trust. One that cautions every toxic indulgence. One that is bold enough to look into the colourless-out-of-life-nothing-appealing version of me in the mirror and say ‘I love you still’
How is 2021 going for you?
So, how have the first 20 days of the year been for you? Hope you have been showering yourself with all the love you deserve? Hope you didn’t see any sign of 2020 lurking on the street? (There’s a ransom on their head)
Well, I started the year with binge-watching DC’s Doom patrol which I think was written by people who broke out of an Asylum and my present read is James clear ‘Atomic Habits’ (which I’m definitely writing about!) plus slides too heavy for my hands to pull together.
What have you been up to all year?
As always, here’s a poem to end with. One of my favourite from Titilope Sonuga’s Swim Album
Ten things somebody should have taught me:
One, do not romanticize suffering
There is nothing poetic about a love that breaks your spirit.
Two, know when to leave.
Some bridges need to be burned
Use the light to find a better way
Three, practise forgiveness
Start with yourself.
Nobody actually ever forgets
Remember the lesson.
Four, say no.
Do not negotiate with terrorists
Do not bargain for anyone's love
Five, friendships end.
Let go, stay open.
Six, save emotional real estate for the ones that will stay.
Be soft,
Be a safe place for the ones you love.
Seven, create time for yourself
Create something that will outlive you.
Eight, do things that move your spirit
Laugh. Cry. Pray.
Nine, love yourself.
As urgently and completely as you want to be loved.
Ten, becoming is hard work
Staying the same is even harder.-Titilope Sonuga
Lastly, don’t forget to wear a mask, Corona is still outside
See you next month!
Love
O.A