Do you have that one event from secondary school that lives rent-free in your head? I have a lot.
One was in Geography class in SS3. We were preparing for SSCE and school inter-house sport. I was captain of my house’s match past team and was even rehearsing to participate in a relay race. All at the same time.
I have a track record of not just trying new things and plunging into a deep foreign well because ‘You have an entire lifetime to live a full life’ but trying to fit into multiple holes at the same time.
In secondary school, as a science student, I was president of the press club and the literary and debating society. Which was weird because it was typical to have me in Jet club considering I actually enjoyed being in science class. But this was my way of having a taste of everything. I even tried out drama, was in the music team for a period, learnt to play the violin and ran for Head girl (with the entire manifesto, campaign and election hula-hula, my secondary school was extra like that)
Primary school was worse. I always rehearsed with every cultural dance, choreography and drama for the end of the year party. Imagine the size of my bag every end of the year party morning and the number of dance steps and lines I had to memorize.
One time, I was so exhausted, I literally fell on the couch in the living room after getting back and laid there till the next morning. That was when my parents knew they had to come in with a restriction. But it was my way of having a taste of it all.
Back to my story. So, as I sat in class, trying to digest Mrs O’s very hilarious description of mountains and hills (most hilarious comparison ever). The heat started. I began to remember how far behind I was in SSCE preparation, JAMB was in a few months. I had heard stories of people being ‘Jambed’ by JAMB. Even the brightest. I even remember I and T inserting ‘May we never write JAMB twice in Jesus name’ countless times in our prayers, I also wanted my team to win the match past and wanted to get the straight ‘As’ in SSCE which my dad had made a duty of hammering the expectation in my head. My mind was about to blow as all my fears mangled up into a fast-expanding ball and I wasn’t even hearing Mrs O talk any more. I knew the tears were coming. Followed by the shaking. Then, the uncontrollable sobbing. So, I just stormed out of the class while holding myself together with my arms around my body to fall apart outside.
I shared this experience with my mum for the first time yesterday and aside understanding all the episodes she has had to see in the last few months, I have no words to express her reaction.
I remember my 15-year-old self very scared when T was sharing what her sister said it was. Because it wasn’t the first time. I had a number of such episodes in SS1 but not so intense. The more things I had to worry about (which seems minute compared to what I worry about now), the more intense it was.
Sometimes, I wonder how I dared to think I ‘work well’ under pressure because I was (am) terrible with pressure. Final admission of this truth is one great thing I did for myself this year.
The older I grew, slowly but surely, I believed the idea that being ‘strong’ and ‘put together’ in every situation was an indication of maturity. Which made it very hard to stop feeling like shit after disintegrating when hit with any trigger, which I didn’t know were triggers till this year (2020 did bring some clarity).
What made it bearable over the period is how less frequent it occurred. In the window periods, I’m so sure it’s over, and I’ve overgrown this panic-inducing wreck but with just the right size of the trigger, I’m back on the ride. The longest break was between 2016 and 2018, and it took the first exam in medical school (after one week of resumption) to burst my bubble. Since then, it has been an in and out situation. Mostly in.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes it felt like I was cursed with this instability. But on one side, it didn’t feel like a curse because I still managed to pull through and relatively succeed at things.
And for the longest time this year, this ‘curse’ was closer than my skin. At some point, I concluded I was a piece of garbage thrown off the bus from heaven to earth who just gets lucky sometimes but 2020 is she runs out of luck. With the self-discovery this year came with, it came with a lot of painful upheaval of my entire thinking system. Hard and painful.
One of the upheavals was unlearning this very toxic idea that being like this meant everything in my life is contaminated. That I was in some way broken.
That this ‘curse’ will in some way ruin my entire life and no progress can be made.
In the last few months, I have come to know that this pain is not unique to just me and I have found solace in a community of people who also wear this badge.
My motto has now become
‘On the good days, I will enjoy it to the fullest. Dance as terribly as I know how to, laugh without restriction. I will not let fear for bad days stop me from seeing the light in now. In today. I will not fetishize this darkness. I will embrace the light. And perhaps the bad days come, I will let them be. On days I have the strength to fight, I will fight like hell. On days I’m too weak, I’ll lay in bed and let the tears be. Hoping tomorrow is better’
So, I’m here telling you, as we transition to the new year, that you are not broken or doomed to fail or always mess everything up. Your hands were made to grow and nurture and even on days they break things, these same hands will pick the pieces and make a masterpiece.
I’m rooting for you!
ABOUT REVIEWS
This year has been so much, I wrote two reviews, first here, second here. Just in case you wrote a review too, please share them all with me
I know I promised at the beginning of this journey to be here twice in a month but seeing how that has been going (this draft has been sitting in my drafts for weeks), I have decided to make this a monthly letter (to get three weeks of sitting time) Let me know what you think!
As always, I’ll leave you with this piece of poetry by Miles Carter (you should have figured out my obsession now)
There will be days like these
Days that feel pointless
And nights that seem unending
Sunrises that exist to save you from them
And Sunsets to remind us: change, is beautiful
We all have our feats
So, Walk
Walk on a path guided by your heart
And steered by your soul
Walk, each step with purpose and the next with conviction
Show us who you were, are, and will be
Embrace your path, it exists as an autobiography continually written upon
Your past is not who you are
But rather, context for who you will be
Your flaws do not make up your being
But serve as reminders that you are human, broken in a way that is beautiful
Leaving no room for normalcy, you are special
Your circumstances, do not define you
But they will facilitate the story telling what you came from
And on days when these circumstances serve as blockades
When your time feels out of reach and beyond your control
Realize the power in your perspective, the world is yours
A life lived in another man's context is not a life worth living
The world, is yours
These are words that may have been said to you, but you may not have heard
So, let me reiterate
The world is yours
It isn't outside of you, it lies blanketed in your perspectives
You cannot live another man's life
In the same way you will not last living within the confines another man's reality
Your life will not be defined by those who have not lived it
So, live
And in the event that you forget how
Go outside
Our earth will train you in this art
Watch the roses, how they grow amongst thorns
They will show you beauty despite your imperfections
Sit under autumn trees
They will teach you the importance in letting things go
-Miles Carter
Thank you for staying with me on this for this long and for all the replies that have warmed my heart in ways words can’t describe. Thank you!
Have a (I’m trying really hard to not say ‘great’ because we’ve all agreed to walk into the year silently and not touch anything). So, have a better 2021!
Love
O.A